As a writer, you identify as your voice. Your style and poise of writing dictates how you come across to the world. I’ve started many posts before and deleted them halfway through because my voice wasn’t perfect.I envisioned my voice to be perfectly manicured and literate, able to convey any emotion to my readers with ease and grace. My very first post I wrote took two weeks to create. My husband saw me get frustrated and doubtful but encouraged me to keep writing with authenticity. I re-read that post two times a day, and I think about deleting it and starting again. But I won’t.
Growing up I had troubles in school with turning in my English papers. I would do the assignment, but it would never be to my standards. If it wasn’t to my standards, how can I expect it to be to my teacher’s standards? In high school sophomore English however, there was an end of unit assignment. We had to integrate lessons from the book we just read into a creative story. I was honestly a bit lazy at the time, so I dug up an old novel idea I had and just inserted some references to the book from class and turned it in. I was the only person who got one hundred percent, and the teacher asked if I could read that assignment out load. I got lots of positive feedback and that fueled my passion for writing even further, but also my expectations.
In college, an English professor reached out to me to see her during business hours to discuss my grades… I didn’t think professors cared about grades the same way high school teachers did. We met, and she told me that the work that I’ve turned in was exceptional, but she asked why I rarely turned in assignments. At the end of it, it felt like I went to therapy. We dug up different examples from my past with the same behaviors and concluded that I don’t like failure in my work. My voice is personal and emotional, so putting myself out there in my writing with fear of failure or rejection scared me so much, I would back out.
After that meeting, I tried hard to just turn in my work however it turned out. Some weeks I did better, some weeks I struggled again. This has been a constant battle for me, accepting failure… not even accepting failure, but at the bare minimum being a perfectionist! Seeing my work as a vessel for my voice has been a journey that I am still trying to navigate.
I’m sure these are not uncommon feelings: fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of judgement. These emotions are what I am going through while starting a blog. But they are also accompanied by excitement, overwhelming support, and so much potential for growth. I am a procrastinator, perfectionist, inexperienced, but I am passionate and determined. I hope this journey can help me find my voice, and I hope you can stay to experience it with me.